Last week marked Week #9 of my Countdown to Freedom from Psychiatric Drugs. I’m tapering 2.5mgs every Sunday night, and I was at 22.5mgs Diazepam (Valium) for the duration of the week.
*
Many of my experiences, personal interactions, and studies over recent years have strengthened my belief that the grand majority of so-called “mental illnesses” and “mood disorders” stem from unresolved feelings of alienation, fear, loss, anger and isolation rooted in personal experiences- and that love, kindness and understanding really are the best medicine for those of us who are fighting these battles. For me, the past week was a very real affirmation of this belief. Twice I was alone and dealing with great inner turmoil, and both times when I returned to the company of my girlfriend (that’s such a strange and unfamiliar word for me to use) it was as if the weight of the World was lifted off my shoulders from the moment she opened the door to her place and I looked into her eyes. I’ve also been enjoying the company of both old and new friends I’ve been connecting with recently, and that has also been very beneficial for me.
This post is, for the most part, a reflection on the healing power of love.
*
On the 26th I attended a family gathering and, after a fairly typical family argument ensued, I found myself overwhelmed by that dark inner storm that has become an uncomfortably familiar occurrence in my life during this benzo withdrawal process. While we are all capable of getting along really well at times and we all really love each other, there are occasions when unresolved issues surface and emotions erupt. The end result is usually hurtful things being said (or yelled) and one or two of us leaving in frustration. Such was the case this evening. I left. However, soon after I had left I decided that I didn’t want to end the evening that way, and so I returned and did my best to rectify things on my end. While we all managed to relax for the rest of the evening, the inner turmoil that had been stirred up inside me was still very much in play as I returned to my place at the end of the night. I was extremely depressed. I lay on the couch feeling helpless, tears streaming down my face with this storm of loneliness, sorrow and despair churning inside me. A similar situation played out once again later in the week as well, and both times I soon found myself on the highway driving towards the warmth and comfort of the woman I love.
The thing is, I’m really not alone anymore. A very special person has come into my life, and she can lift me out of the darkness in an instant. I’ve also been making some new friends (and reconnecting with some old ones) whose understanding and wisdom are also very real and extremely valuable to me. They are all very special people to me. I just have to reach out, and now there are hands reaching back to help lift me up. I’ve gained a great deal of inner strength over the past two years, but at this point in time I really need love and support, and I’m deeply grateful to have that present and developing in my life right now.
*
It’s a terrible experience to feel utterly alone in this world, in this life. For most of us, having supportive family members and friends is vital to surviving and thriving in this world. This is of course true for me, but recently I’ve found that by far the most grounding, uplifting and healing element in my life has been this relationship with this friend who has come back into my life just when I needed her most. In December I prayed desperately to the Gods to end my loneliness. After over a decade of loneliness (not including my teen years), the timing of her arrival couldn’t have been more synchronistic. She has been like an angel to me, a true blessing. Over recent weeks I’ve been in some very dark states, and truly the only thing that could save me from that darkness was being with this special person. She is a woman of strong faith and loving wisdom and those things have been very meaningful for me. Above all, we love each other and know how to express that love, and that has been healing for both of us.
*
I visited my psychiatrist at the end of last week, and explained to him how vital it is for people to love and be loved, and how so many of my issues (including the severe sleep disorder I’ve suffered from for years) improve drastically when I’m with her. I sleep so much better with her at my side (or in my arms) than I have in such a long time. This particular psychiatrist (a pdoc I’m working with for the sole purpose of med withdrawal, though our sessions mostly just involve me venting and him nodding his head) actually agreed that there was a lot of validity to my point, and even brought up a study that was done recently that demonstrated that the quality of relationships in people’s lives is almost always the primary determining factor in their overall personal stability and satisfaction with life, regardless of wealth or socio-economic background.
*
Like so many others, I was desperate for love and companionship as a teenager. That loneliness combined with unresolved family issues, an unhealthy social scene, antidepressants, and the heartbreak of my first breakup resulted in my nervous breakdown in 2002 (labelled a “manic episode with schizo-affective features”).
The psychiatric drugs I was taking for so many years after that severely blunted my mental processes, made me gain about fifty pounds, made me feel like an alien among my peers, and came very close to extinguishing my spirit. The more the drugs took their toll on my mind, body and spirit, the more lonely I became.
I strongly believe that the cure for so many people who have been diagnosed as “mentally ill” lies in true friendship and love- not drugs. The drugs made my life hell, and for quite some time I believed that it was all because I was “mentally ill” (that I was “deficient”- being the term previously used to label people with mental and emotional issues), and that my “mental illness” was simply worsening just as the “doctor” warned me that it likely would.
*
Loneliness is a tragic and horrific pandemic in this disjointed world of shallow material goals, painful superficial social barriers and corrupt power structures. Everywhere I go I see this in the eyes and faces of so many people. It doesn’t have to be this way. I know we can at least make a difference in the lives of people who are close to us.
Love and kindness really do matter. They are vital to our existence here on Earth. Without them, we are all alone. Without them, we will not survive. I’m not being whimsical here. I believe this to be a fundamental truth in my life, and I believe it’s true for all of us.
Ω
Note: During my “conversation” with my psychiatrist, I brought up the fact that I’m not sure what the purpose of our visits is at this point, and he noted our visit would possibly be my last visit with a psychiatrist, as my current prescription will cover my withdrawal process and my own plan is well thought-out and acceptable to him. So perhaps I’m done with psychiatrists now? That’s a very strange thought for me to consider, but I certainly like it.
No more psychiatrists in my life? I’ve gotta let that one sink in.
Wow.
Seroquel Nation 